I will forever and always get tripped up when someone who is well under the 250 mark, probably 225 +/-, and maybe under 200 gives out a waist size that is greater than my own. I've been tweaked out over that for a while, actually. I was just reading about a girl being 185-200, 5'8, and her waist was nearly 42". My waist is 39". Even if I'm 6" taller, I weigh a LOT more than 185. Either way, I suppose. I'll always feel like the biggest person in a room.

I think I dreamt that I was 5' wide and jiggly. :-/

I'm down 5# - 66# from my all time HW, 25# from my '09 HW. 95# to go. FUCK. When I hit the -51# (from 09HW), -82# (1/2 of total goal), -152# marks (less than 50# to go), I'll be happier. 26/16/86# to go respectively. I have to keep looking at the smaller numbers as they seem much more obtainable than looking at a big, scary 161. That seems impossible. 14# and I'll be back to my Canada weight (2006). Man, I just want back in my Canada jeans! I'm not saying I'll wear them, but I want to be able to slide into then once again. They're cute tho, and I looked banging.

Been walking around Southside this morning for about thirty. Feels lovely in this cold especially since the sun is still buning hot. I've really gotten into this mindset that I want to exercise.

I have a date tonight with Bex. Eep! ^_^

Work at 11 til 4. Not a bad shift really. I'm tempted to go in early, tho. I was supposed to be in at 8 until they called me. Meh. I'm bored. Maybe I'll go putter around the bookstore or something.

I think when I get my FinAid I'm going to buy a rename token. I'm thinking of having the name 'hmmpbr'. I like it and it seems almost kind of cool. LOL. It has meaning to it and it's easier to type than menthe_no9. I'm stilly minty fresh to death.

Fuck my life I can't wait to get my MacBook!!! 13" of pure magic. <3

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: update, weight, wtf
placed: US, Alabama, Jefferson, Birmingham, 17th St S, 1052

People are so very peculiar. Some tack little love notes to your wall at radom hours, calling you names you haven't heard since you were 4, making you feel like you're the most lovely person to ever live. Some don't talk very much at all but when they do - dearest Lord, when they do! I can take being a second out of sync for those small pockets of wonder. Some - well, we don't talk very much at all. And then there are others that come at me with rapt inquisition - what did you do? Why? How? Magic, that's all I can say. I'm magic for some people.

I penned it accidentally and I think it's the best three words that I could ever tie together in hopes of describing myself: an arrogant stoner. However, it's time to embrace my arrogancy and give it a selfless edge, a determination of thought, yet give up my role as the stoner for the time being.

So full right now; it makes me tired and unhappy. I have to get it all under wraps again. There's too much at stake right now, way too much to lose and disappoint.

Went to my old church today instead of my father's. I know that "feel good" messages aren't admirable to my father's church but neither is making salvation unattainable. I partically like knowing that God can never love me more than he does at this very moment - sin and all - and that asking for something won't automatically make God do something bad - he isn't the devil. Oh, ad God doesn't love just Christians - he loves everyone and everything. I'm sorry if that it too "feel good" for you to appreciate. (A side note: I'm looking into teeching a 6-8 grade girls group on Wednesday night so I eed to get my college schedule rearranged... and find that lady's nubmer so I can call her.)

You know... Even if I'm not top billing or get to hold hours long conversations with people, I can still take comfort in knowing that I'm thought of as amazing.

Tags: update
heard: Adele (Chasing Pavements)

Updated the ol' layout. It's pretty.

So, all my little buddies I've met thru lol_anaz: where have you been on the L_A front? I mean to me... it's kind of post-apocolyptic in a way. It's now Chernobyl post meltdown. Hmmm... not really very... lulzy?

I [finally?] shutdown a community I'd maintained for probably 4 years+. It was one of those things where you look at it and you think of how should have been but you realize what it really was and the two images don't add up. Yes, I'd been a very "distant" mod (so to speak) but when I tried, it was always met with deaf ears. It was a place where things began and then died. I got fed up with some of the bullshit that my other mod told me about - the bitching about lack of contest updates, some of the runaround rule breaking, etc. It was just all too much. I tried to be the supporting, loving mod - the one that is everyone's best girl friend - but I am neither that nor am I exactly in the "inner circle" of my own community. I will admit that I'm not the greatest person to ever run a community but for fuck's sake, ya know? If I made a post about things that I wanted to try out, to get the comm revved up and going again, it almost felt as if the silence that followed was a huge "FUCK YOU. You're not one of my 'special people'". There is really no other way to explain my feelings with that w/o sounding like a pathetic 8 year old. Other than that, I felt it was time for it to come to an end. It might return sometimes later in the future but I'm not sure right now.

I'll also add on the thought that there is this nagging in the back of my brain that I might be pregnant. It's utterly ridiculous, I keep telling myself that, but it's still a possibility. I want to toss away all of my symptoms as PMS but the voice in my head keeps reminding me that I'm not exactly like I am at the moment when I'm PMSing. PMS for me is my tits fill out my bra and I eat everything in sight. But what I'm feeling is just weird. And you know... I want kids. I really do. The thing is now, I'm getting my life together so that in the future, I might be able to have them. Hell, I'm not even sure if I CAN have kids (long story, one w/no real ending - just my thoughts) but it would almost be ironic, wouldn't it? All of these years of wanting to have kids and all and the moment I know it's not the right time or thing for me, the possibilty jumps into my face. I'll probably get some money and take a test next week or something. Or just wait it out. Or something. I've been thru this before, ya know? I'm almost afraid of the test. I know for me, taking the test and it coming out negetive is like... oh... well... ok... back to life now. We'll see. You'll get it here first.

This semester ends the 5th. I'm so torn about taking my math final (as I haven't been there for the past three weeks) - do I do it or do I not? I don't want to fuck up my finacial aid (and I can say that it has to do with my grandfather) but hmmm. I'm going to fail. I know I will. I'll probably show up just to make a 20 and say fuck it. Two essays due Mon, a fuck ton of studying to do in history (I will conspire with the devil - Wikipedia - for most of it), and just all around gayness. Then I get to go for a job inerview on Mon as well for work-study at the college. They pay once a frikkin MONTH. WTF?! How the fuck are you supposed to live on that shit? W/e. I'll get a second job or something.

Jeremie's coming over Saturday to to go church with me Sunday. My dad wants me to sing. Hmmmm.. We'll see. So yeah... BUSY WEEKEND, may be knocked up, and I killed a comm while growing to dispise another. Fun fucking times, yo!

Tags: update

I really want to tear into a rant right about now but I'm sure that I've said it all before at some point and I'm also sure people are tired of my almost-whining posts. BUT, I'll say these few words and move on from the subject... at least until I see something else that pisses me off and I have to repeat this all over again.

Im doin MiA ronG, u gaiz. Or EdNaZ or AnA or something equally stupid I can't think of a girly name to call. Either way, my head seems to be not quite fucked enough (HAHA). You know, instead of being all consumed with sadness, guilt, suicidal rage, and acting a total bitch, I've kind of learned to cope with all that goes on with me. I'm actually more jaded than anything. I guess I'm all, "Well, this is me. This is what I am/do/whatever," instead of "OH GOD, my life suuuuuuuuucks! I hate this! I HATE ME. FUCK YOU!!!" I suppose it comes from learning to cope with the mighty pendulum that is manic depression some time ago cuz ya know... once you have a psych break, nothing can really measure up to such a magnitude. That, and I'm really not that fucking emo about shit.

I shouldn't really be annoyed by it all but there's that voice in the back of my brain that sees red whenever I see someone say how something really is with no kind of "for me" preface. Automatically it makes me think that, wait - I'm not really like that at all. Are you saying that I'm not ____ at all? Or not ____ enough? I guess... fuck it. W/e.

Blah blah blah BINGE EATING. Blah blah blah... yeah.

So I was checking up on anagrams for my name (Brianny Mickela Hood)  and a few of my favorites:

• Oh, a Mini Blacked Irony
• A Cab Liked Him on Irony
• A Herbicical Inky Moon
• Ye, A Kimono Brainchild
• A Beach Nimrod: Oily Ink
• Ambiance Drink, Oily Ho
• Biracial Monied Honky (LMAO!)
• I Minion, Ye Chalkboard
• I Amicably Honored Kin
  
• And possibly the best one EVER: Biracial Dyke, Homo Inn

Plus many, many more!

So I got my car out of the shop on Wednesday (I think), and drove 40 miles to and from Pelham. The next day, my the oil completely ran out of my car. Put some more in it Saturday morning to take it back to the shop because the guy said he would fix some things on it for free. Well, turns out Wal-Mart jacked up something even worse after I got an oil change there (the plug for the pan was already not staying in but they screwed it up further) so the guy called W-M, told them, and they tried to deny it. Finally, W-M told him to fix whatever was wrong (they're kind of freaking since my motor could be fucked as well) and they'll pay for it. Haha. Score one for me! So basically now I'm getting a ton of work done on Wally World's dime. That's what they get for scaring the shit out of me and then fucking up my car even further so I would go back to them. Assholes.

Ahh yes... the guy at the shop. He's so damn cute. (Definitely the eyes.) I mentioned something to my dad and he was all, "Too bad he's married." So it's a relief that I know and I won't make a fool of myself but on the flip, it does bring back that old tug where OF COURSE a guy that's really nice and sweet and all that is married and OF COURSE I'm a lonely loser who will probably end up living with her mother for the rest of my life with a constant stream of cats and no dogs because my mother hates dogs. It's only when I'm attracted to someone and then have it inadvertently shut down that I realize how badly I want an SO. And what's even worse than that is that I look at myself and get so disgusted and fed up because I'm not even attractive enough to be the other woman. Not to say that I would be but dammit - having the ability wouldn't be so bad. It always the same vicious cycle - men and looks. Because I like what I like and hate settling, I can't find such a man because what I look like isn't what he likes and he doesn't. Because in my head, I know that if I were skinny and pretty, I'd have a line of them out the door but I'm not so there isn't. And finally, if there was a guy that was into me now and was all that I was looking for, I'd probably think there was something a little messed up with him because if he's as glorious as I like them, why wouldn't he go for such gloriousness instead of me? (It's the same argument that ppl use when describing a 20+ yo guy going after a HS'er. What the hell is wrong with him???)

I'll be so damn happy when this semester is over. Actually, I'll just be happy to be out of math and public speaking. I have to take another math class, yeah, but I'm taking the easily ace-able math 116. I dunno. I'm kind of drained from all of the requisites this semester. Next semester, I'm taking nothing but electives. If I do take a required course, it'll probably be math so I can get it over with or Eng 102 so I can have all of my english stuff over and done with. Hell, I may just take those two and call it a day. I know the last things I'm taking will be both parts of the literature requirement.

I dunno, man. I need some decompression time or something. I know I shouldn't be all stressed out and retarded about any of it but it's major tweak central. BAH.

Great... now I'm gonna slowly go even crazier because I've started thinking about my lack of love and affection and how I pray I won't make a 3.5 for a GPA for my first semester. FUCKING FANTASTIC.

Tags: rant, update

You know you're a super loser when you've played FreeCell a hundred times in under 2 months... for the first time... with an 81% accuracy... and you've kept up with your score. :X

COME ON!!!!!!!!! MAY, homey, hurry up and get here. Srsly. I'm tired of looking @ my April spreadsheet. It's really gay. Jesus... No amount of pretty colors will change the pure evil that this month turned into. What has it been? Really? I'll break it down for you.

( the gayness )

I had the most fucked up dream the other night. Before I go on, if you don't know the history of Ben, this will be a bit tricky but still, fucked up. More or less, I fell in love with Ben way back in 03/04, he played me, disappeared, then stalked me for a bit. The sad thing is that I think he was actually into me but had a raging coke/crack addiction and now, I have a sort of fear of ever meeting him out somewhere. (But damn, he was a damn good lay.)  Onto the dream.

I don't remember who's apartment I was in, but I was in "my room" and Ben was there. He was being all smiley and flirtatious and I kept thinking, "How'd he get here?" I kept seeing people kind of float in and out of the room we were in, people I'd had sex with and his ex-gf/fiance/fuck ever, Andrea. Well, it turns out we'd had sex again but I didn't remember it. I walked into the bathroom and lifted my shirt and I was covered in bite marks and bruises. (Note: I was a actually pretty slim, too.) I'm a bit freaked out by it, but I keep thinking, "Man... he's here.... for me. How awesome." Then I walk to the living room and my mom says something about being careful him being a murderer and I see that she's been slashed in her stomach.

 I go back to my room and he's standing over me and asks, "Did you really think I cared about you?" I kinda sputter a "no" and he's all, "Because I didn't." Then a huge silver cleaver is gleaming in his hands and he makes a slash and cuts into my left wrist. (Note II: I was really deep into cutting when I met Ben and, oddly enough, he was really into them.) I grab the knife and try to cut him all while I'm not-so-secretly trying to dial 911 so that they can hear what's going on. I look down at my phone and it says 711. I retry but it won't work; it's now 211. He comes over and is all, "Whatcha doing?" And I was like, "Oh, I'm really digging the theme you put on my phone." And he points at something and says, "Yeah... it makes it impossible to dial 9."

During the knife part, Andrea comes back into the room and their doing the classic "we're really lovers and you just got pwned!" thing. Soon, some police people show up and they kill someone and it's really a robot. Ben kinda is still standing there and all I kept thinking was that I should slit his throat and this would be over.

I have NO IDEA why I dreamed this but it's stuck in my head for a while. I even searched FB and MS to see if I could find him. Hmm...

I went to church Sunday night and all I could think was, "Man... I'd bang that preacher guy." He was very Frank Lengella-ish. I dug the orange shirt. Haha... I told my cousin and she's all, "GOD, we haven't said something like that since we were teens!" and I'm all, "YEAH! That's why I said I felt 16 again." But I had to sing that stupid song again. OMG. I love it and I do really well and it speaks to people but jesus... let me get another one. Oh yeah... Preacher guy... he really liked how I sounded. LMAO. That's so wrong.

I'm stuck between wanting to count carbs and wanting to eat nothing. But, as you know, low-carbing means high fats and cals and I'm afraid that watching them will inevitably mean I eat more and if I do watch my calories, I won't lose because you need cals to lose with low-carbing. FUCK ME. I don't know. I think I just need to quit fucking eating all together.

Tags: dream, update

I went and registered for class today. I'm am officially a full-time student! Western Civ I, Survery of the Old Testament, Math 100, and Fund. of Public Speaking. Not half bad. I'm  one step closer to starting my degree in art and even closer to getting the hell out of this country! I really want to do my best and seriously? I know I can go 4.0. I know it. It won't be easy, sure, but it's not gonna be hell.

I just can't wait to finally be up in TO doing my thing. I could do it, ya know? Really. I can move in a few years, transfer as a student, get a job working with art of some kind, just make it... on my own. It's so real to me, I could almost reach out and touch it.

While April 08 will forever be known as "The Month Made of Fail", I know that I can finally LOOK somewhat normal. I can be thin. I can drop all of this baggage and be an average size. I did 24 hours (32 if you count sleep) of nothing and had what I'd say was a normal eating "up day". I'm hoping to go 2 days - today and tomorrow - this time. Maybe I can even go longer. I dropped 3.2# overnight. 3.8# more and I'll have partially reached the Apr GW. I really want to say that I'll eat when I've dropped 10# but I'm sure my mother would go retarded. (I can purge while she's only sheet rock and studs away but I can't fast - WTF???)

Maybe something in me has snapped, I don't know, but I can't forever live and look how I do right now. And I know it's probably irrational, but I know a lot of my unhappiness and discontent and loneliness stems from my weight. I want to be thin and happy. I want guys to actually notice me and not just skeevy guys who think I'll take them up on whatever they want to give me. Maybe I can get a boyfriend.  I could go so much farther in life if I wasn't the fat sidekick. Goddammit, I want to be front and damn center. I just can't live my life like this. If I don't change now, I never will.

I've always kind of marched to my own drummer and when it comes to "inspiration", it pretty much follows suit. I can get more inspiration from some random famous guy (actor or musician) than I could ever get watching 79 hours of Fashion Week. But unlike some people who can go retarded over many, many people, I'm pretty selective. Just because a person is attractive, doesn't mean he inspires me. I have to really look at this person and decide whether or not I could "get that" or impress as I am now. (More or less, would it rely mainly on the physical?) If I could sway, it's mostly just a passing fangirl notion. If I couldn't, then that pushes me farther and farther. I've had two inspirations that have changed to neither fangirl notion nor inspiration because I was able to talk to them and they saw nothing wrong. They occurred at different points in my life but even then, how I felt changed. One of my biggest ones I can really no longer think of in a physical way at all. It seems now that I have almost found something new to "hold onto". I like that.

Maybe being so driven by looks and guys is very wanna-be of me. I often look at it and think that real girls aren't like this, that they have a deeper, more profound issues and reasons than I do. I'm just a pathetic loser.

Tags: update

Will elaborate later.

Purged after binging for the first time in a while.
My mom knew - I told her - didn't care; blamed it on unrelated things.
Took 4 lortabs.
They make me sick.
Always.
Puking isn't fun when you don't want to do it.

Tags: update