I really want to tear into a rant right about now but I'm sure that I've said it all before at some point and I'm also sure people are tired of my almost-whining posts. BUT, I'll say these few words and move on from the subject... at least until I see something else that pisses me off and I have to repeat this all over again.

Im doin MiA ronG, u gaiz. Or EdNaZ or AnA or something equally stupid I can't think of a girly name to call. Either way, my head seems to be not quite fucked enough (HAHA). You know, instead of being all consumed with sadness, guilt, suicidal rage, and acting a total bitch, I've kind of learned to cope with all that goes on with me. I'm actually more jaded than anything. I guess I'm all, "Well, this is me. This is what I am/do/whatever," instead of "OH GOD, my life suuuuuuuuucks! I hate this! I HATE ME. FUCK YOU!!!" I suppose it comes from learning to cope with the mighty pendulum that is manic depression some time ago cuz ya know... once you have a psych break, nothing can really measure up to such a magnitude. That, and I'm really not that fucking emo about shit.

I shouldn't really be annoyed by it all but there's that voice in the back of my brain that sees red whenever I see someone say how something really is with no kind of "for me" preface. Automatically it makes me think that, wait - I'm not really like that at all. Are you saying that I'm not ____ at all? Or not ____ enough? I guess... fuck it. W/e.

Blah blah blah BINGE EATING. Blah blah blah... yeah.

So I was checking up on anagrams for my name (Brianny Mickela Hood)  and a few of my favorites:

• Oh, a Mini Blacked Irony
• A Cab Liked Him on Irony
• A Herbicical Inky Moon
• Ye, A Kimono Brainchild
• A Beach Nimrod: Oily Ink
• Ambiance Drink, Oily Ho
• Biracial Monied Honky (LMAO!)
• I Minion, Ye Chalkboard
• I Amicably Honored Kin
  
• And possibly the best one EVER: Biracial Dyke, Homo Inn

Plus many, many more!

So I got my car out of the shop on Wednesday (I think), and drove 40 miles to and from Pelham. The next day, my the oil completely ran out of my car. Put some more in it Saturday morning to take it back to the shop because the guy said he would fix some things on it for free. Well, turns out Wal-Mart jacked up something even worse after I got an oil change there (the plug for the pan was already not staying in but they screwed it up further) so the guy called W-M, told them, and they tried to deny it. Finally, W-M told him to fix whatever was wrong (they're kind of freaking since my motor could be fucked as well) and they'll pay for it. Haha. Score one for me! So basically now I'm getting a ton of work done on Wally World's dime. That's what they get for scaring the shit out of me and then fucking up my car even further so I would go back to them. Assholes.

Ahh yes... the guy at the shop. He's so damn cute. (Definitely the eyes.) I mentioned something to my dad and he was all, "Too bad he's married." So it's a relief that I know and I won't make a fool of myself but on the flip, it does bring back that old tug where OF COURSE a guy that's really nice and sweet and all that is married and OF COURSE I'm a lonely loser who will probably end up living with her mother for the rest of my life with a constant stream of cats and no dogs because my mother hates dogs. It's only when I'm attracted to someone and then have it inadvertently shut down that I realize how badly I want an SO. And what's even worse than that is that I look at myself and get so disgusted and fed up because I'm not even attractive enough to be the other woman. Not to say that I would be but dammit - having the ability wouldn't be so bad. It always the same vicious cycle - men and looks. Because I like what I like and hate settling, I can't find such a man because what I look like isn't what he likes and he doesn't. Because in my head, I know that if I were skinny and pretty, I'd have a line of them out the door but I'm not so there isn't. And finally, if there was a guy that was into me now and was all that I was looking for, I'd probably think there was something a little messed up with him because if he's as glorious as I like them, why wouldn't he go for such gloriousness instead of me? (It's the same argument that ppl use when describing a 20+ yo guy going after a HS'er. What the hell is wrong with him???)

I'll be so damn happy when this semester is over. Actually, I'll just be happy to be out of math and public speaking. I have to take another math class, yeah, but I'm taking the easily ace-able math 116. I dunno. I'm kind of drained from all of the requisites this semester. Next semester, I'm taking nothing but electives. If I do take a required course, it'll probably be math so I can get it over with or Eng 102 so I can have all of my english stuff over and done with. Hell, I may just take those two and call it a day. I know the last things I'm taking will be both parts of the literature requirement.

I dunno, man. I need some decompression time or something. I know I shouldn't be all stressed out and retarded about any of it but it's major tweak central. BAH.

Great... now I'm gonna slowly go even crazier because I've started thinking about my lack of love and affection and how I pray I won't make a 3.5 for a GPA for my first semester. FUCKING FANTASTIC.

Tags: rant, update

Butthurt: It's what's for your neg cal dinner.

I'm all types of annoyed right about now. I mean... whatever. It's probably gayer that I'm annoyed than it is annoying but still. Come on. I get the lack of Teh Funneh but is it really necessary to be all uptight about shit? Really? And way to go on pimping your quasi-educational site, home skillet. Why yes, being this way does suck but it's really not my job to make sure kids don't think this is the way to go. Drama isn't lulzy when it's taken too damn seriously. Srsly. (PS: All of those Seventeen stories in the late 90's about cutting actually put something in my head that it would work so maybe people only see what they want to see.)

So I knew swimming burnt a shit load of calories and all but I never knew just how much. I calculated my 2hrs at the pool and it's something like 1200 calories burned. That's crazy. I've also been going every other day for a week and besides a nice little tan coming along (I look sexy vanilla-caramel), I can tell that I'm losing fat and gaining muscle. Sure, the scale is being a douche bag and remaining stationary, but I look smaller. I'll take it. I could do with some sore-muscles-turned-toning. Oh, and I've gotten more comfortable in my swim suit. I no longer wear my towel to the very edge and try to get in w/o being seen. In fact, I get out and stand around w/o thinking about it too much. Score one for the pool!

The next four days are going to be 300cpd. I've been binging on retarded stuff lately. I feel like a total retard about everything. I swear it's been binge/fast/restrict/binge/binge/restrict heavily/fast/etc for the past 6 weeks. I'm a total loser.

Ugh. Here's to 5# by the first.

[edit]My fortune for today (LMAO!!!):
Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, love more, and all good things will be yours. --- Be aware of what your actions and their effects on others --- demonstrating concern for another can go a long way in the next five days.
WTF...

Tags: rant

I had to take a look at Wiki's view on societal generations because, well, I have no idea to which I belong. According to what I've read, I'm a "cusper" - someone born in the middle of a transitional period. Basically put I'm an ambassador to people on either side of the generational divide. I don't fit in with the kids born after 1988/1989 nor can I really fit in with the ppl born prior to 1980. I can recall something I wrote about this (while being completely wasted off The Dex) and I've reckoned that those born between 1982 and 1986 are the "Guinea Pig Generation".

This 4 year span of time  has led to my group of kids being on the edge of Reaganomics and the internet. We got to test out everything to see if it would stick. We got to live thru the New World and where it went. (My fifth birthday is the exact date of the end of the Berlin Wall.) We got to see the change of MTV from music to reality TV. We were in late grade school/early middle school when the internet took major hold of the world. We got to go from "maybe this new fangled technology can work" to not being able to live w/o the stuff. And more than likely, our parents were cuspers as well - those who's parents were 12-16 on the country's bicentennial. More than likely we graduated in 99, 01, 02, or 03. Some 04'sare there but this 99-03 thing is a big point. We are the testers of all that is new and old. We got to see if things worked or not.

It's a strange concept when I think of it because I can't really say what sticks with me. To me, ppl 5+ years older and those 4-5 years younger aren't people I get. If you're 29, you're up there and if you're only 18 or 19, you're still a kid in my eyes. When I hear someone was born in 79 I think they're old and if they were born in 90, they are mad young.

In the end, tho, we got both the long and short end of the stick.

Tags: rant

I am not PC. I don't mind my tongue and I pop off at the mouth. I've been this way since I could talk. I'm sure I've said something in past entries about not giving a fuck about anything that can "define" a person - race, gender, who someone loves or wants to fuck, nationality, etc until you die. I don't buy into PC bullshit either. I'm a white chick that loves and fucks everything legal and breathing or battery operated. I say things are "gay" and "retarded". I call black ppl "black ppl". I don't get down with slurs and most stereotypes even if a lot of people live up to them. (Drama-queen gay boys, ghetto black girls with big asses, "OMG Becky!" white girls, Jewish accountants, Asians that are good at math, emo high schoolers who cut to be cool, etc.) It's not mean or racist or prejudiced or anything else of that nature to acknowledge shit. Stereotypes didn't just happen without provocation and unfortunately for most of the population, more ppl live up to them then try to live them down. I'm not perpetuating a damn thing, thanks. I just give a fuck enough to try to appear "cultured". (Is it really cultured in the first place?)

I binged... on granola bars and special k. 1740 for the day before exercise yet I'm tirn between downing a half box of The Ls or sucking it up and getting on with life. Blah blah blah... I already look like death so going over my daily 750 by a grand won't kill me even if I'm mentally going retarded right now. I need to take tomorrow off from food and the eliptical and rest. 0 and 0, perhaps.

I AM OUT OF CIGARETTES. I'm digging thru my ash trays and smoking butts. I'm fucking tweaking w/o them. o.O

Tags: rant, update

I'M A SPREADSHEET FIEND.
No lie. I wish I could spreadsheet my life. Putting everything into tiny little 1/4" x 1" boxes, functions, charts, etc. I need to try to do that, actually... I like a challenge.

Here's a piece of advice: If you are going to ask for stories/anecdotes about a person's experience with something and I don't tell you what you want to hear and you say, "Well, no offense but I'm going to trust x and y over you" don't fucking ask for what you have. All you wanted was for someone to say, "OMFG, that's SOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!" and not something to dispel your fleeting hopes. I'm sorry but google it yourself the next fucking time. I don't have time for people who want to be FUCKING PATRONIZED. I tried to help. THANKS.

I really don't get feminism when it's just so... BAH. Women are cool. I like women. I'd screw a chick and love a chick and visit the local gay bar with her (if she was so inclined). I'M DOWN WITH GIRLS. What's I'm not down with is the idea, just because I'm a woman and half of the planet is as well, that I should be willing to band together in some pseudo-crusade against the male gender/world/government/whatev and shouldn't, mustn't, CAN'T EVER find fault with my gender. I like to think that I am much more enlightened than that. I truly think that enlightenment isn't some religious thing or a matter of book-based intelligence but the ability to be unbiased in praise, condemnation, love, hate, right, and wrong regardless of color, race, gender, sexual preference or any other category one can think of. I have my opinions on things, yes, but I make it a point to never let it cloud my judgment or reasoning sense. I want to be able to see both sides then make up my mind as to which side I'm going to find myself siding with. So when I see a group of women bashing another woman because said woman said something against women, I want to cry hypocrisy and punch all of them. Basically, I just get very annoyed.

I don't like anyone who has a victim complex. If someone feels they are being victimized, they should rise up and make it their point to prove someone wrong. I think that's a lot of the reasoning behind women not stepping up to the bat for things - they don't want to get tangled up with the mumbo-jumbo of a gender war. I for one couldn't find myself at some women's rally. Why? Because I know that it'll turn into "SOMEONE HAS HELD US DOWN!" Get on with life. If you are so preoccupied with who is holding you down, you'll never be able to attain the heights of which you feel you are blatantly being held from.

What spawned this? I was clicking around the 'net, caught onto an article (on a lesbian run site) and the responses were just so nerve-grating. I really wanted to sign-up for the site just to throw out my 2-cents which probably would have been labeled "straight girl blather" or "more than likely, some trendy bi girl's idea of devil's advocacy". Do I think I'm better than some people? Damn straight. Do I think I'm worse? Of course. If you can't find fault and/or merit in something w/o it turning into a huge deal that isn't related to the topic at hand, I really don't want anything to do with that particular group at all.

Tags: rant

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm looking good - or better as the case may be. In fact, I look quite shit. I'm going to blame the fact that just 5 days ago I was sick as hell but even then, I look pasty and pale and have. I seriously look like I'm still ill but I'm not. God, who knows???

I have problems with [disordered] people posting pictures of themselves yet ragging on their body. Not really everyone, of course, but those who do it and look all happy and cheerful in their cute little short shorts or those who are wearing something super skin tight and revealing everything they own. (Mid-drift out? Check. Boobs showing in all their glory? Check.) How can someone be that... dichotomous? It's almost like a slap in the face - to me and quite possibly others. It makes me want to think these people are fake and I really hate tossing that word around. "Look at me! I'm so fat and ugly. Let me show you these pictures my homey took of me looking all cute and shit so you can say I'm really not! Hehehe..." Blagh.

I have a hard time coming to grips with who I am and what I think in terms of my body and food while knowing I still believe in a god who is loving and can say, w/o a doubt, loves cake. (I have a thing about God and cake. Very long story.) I had a strange experience at my dad's church once, where he invited me on a Wednesday night because (I guess) he thought I'd want to enjoy the free grub. Being hungry and declining the food while being in church just felt weird. Like... does God really care if I do this? Does he hate me for it? Does he have sympathy? And I'm not a Jesus banger or anything like that. I'm spiritual, sure, but I'm definitely not religious. It's all the more strange for me when I see others who are devout whatevers (usually Christians) claiming to be heavy into their religion but still harming their bodies. It all confuses me.

I've started using my free weights on my arms when I'm watching TV. Makes me feel like I'm doing something constructive with myself instead of being a lazy whore. Now, if only I were to drag the eliptical into my room & could figure out a way to use it while on my laptop........

God my insomnia is getting bad. It's 434 and I'm not sure I could sleep.

I was jotting down my classic mental trick of, "Be good; be 2 good," when I kind of went off and was like, "Don't let this consume me. I know I'm asking for the world." I don't want to think about food constantly or whether I should do some calisthenics or if I could manage something small to eat or blah. I don't always want to think about everything all at once but I know that I am asking for the world. I'm essentially asking not to be disordered. (And that doesn't sound like that I mean in my head.) I guess, if it were left up to me, I'd be 100% normal but only eat very, very little - if that makes sense. Then again, I've never been normal in the first place so it's like asking Atlas to show me his juggling skills.

I'm getting way too introspective or some shit. I need to stfu now.

Tags: psych, rant