hot

I had some weirdo "final" dream of Jared Leto in the supermarket, watching a quiz game that I was in. He needed Draino or some shit and was in a wheelchair and with no lower legs but it was just for shits and giggles. I pushed him around, we talked, he put his head on my upper chest and I learned he loved kitties. That was awesome as fuck.

But first I dreamed of Tim Rozon going to a mental hospital and there was some strange religious chick who I think was like an incarnation of Mary and was young but old and died and had a coin saying "Tanganyika" and I was like "OH SNAP! THAT'S OLD AS HELL! THAT'S TANZANIA!!!"

None of this before my bro being arrested for murder in Thailand that was based around his IP adress and it I crack the code that someone was hacking into his IP and it wasn't him.

I have awesome dreams.

EDIT: [your scene sucks].com :: total win & hurrah - I'm not a scenester! (but I am kinda old-school emo)

Tags: dream, pic

I finally got a picture of my wicked ass hair. And it looks so much better than it did a bit ago. I'm thinking of bleaching it out (since 95% of all of that is my natural color and my natural hair will turn white but I can never get it lighter than carrot with dye) and buying a bit of manic panic is some rad shade of lavender or pink. Mwahaha... maybe I'll go some monochromatic pink/purple rainbow...



I'm wondering if I'm stupid or just lazy about drinking water. Either way, I've been saying that I'm dehydrated for a while now. I've also been saying that I will start drinking water but it wasn't until today that I've begun to. I guess it's the pee that burned my urethra when expelled and looked like weak tea and the dry skin and chapped lips that did it for me. Also, there's the fact that I haven't really shit in 3 days (w/o a lax) nor the fact that I'd peed all day. AND I'll bet a million bucks that I'll lose 5# this week. My weight hasn't moved in forever and it's gotta be the lack of water. Ha... I'm suck a retard.

Those sweet & salty nut granola bars from Nature Valley are the devil if the devil tasted like your ultimate food in unlimited quantities while having the munchies. OMG. They are so yummy. Only 160 calories a bar (a bit up there) but the cashew kind (cashews are <3) and it's like having granola and cashews on top of a peanut butter cup made from cashew butter. I'm in lust.

Well, after reviewing my spreadsheet from last month, I sucked. Hard. I've lowered my safe limit to 900 (from 1000) and my after exercise limit/monthly average from 75% (750 calories) to 60% (560 calories). And so far, for the month (lmao), I've burned 52.49% of all of my calories. I like that... a lot.

If you've never play-wrestled and been flipped but missed the bed, slamming your forehead and shoulder into the floor, don't. You get nasty rug burn and the point of impact on your brow bone is all rug burned and swollen. It hurts to wag your eyebrows. Bah.

I need to start updating more.

Tags: hunger, pic

Right. So word on the street (the street being my mother, of course) is that what happened with me last night in the shower is a classic panic attack. I've had panic attacks before but they always were accompanied but inconsolable weeping and just freaking out so I didn't think this is what it was. I told my mom about my heart going stupid and not being able to breathe and then feeling like I was going to throw up. I also mentioned that I had this strange need to pray last night, to tell God that I did in fact love him and to please not let me die in my sleep, that I'd be good. So yeah... I'm having panic attacks. I don't like it. I've seen what my mother's had to go thru with her anxiety disorder and I don't want that to be me. That scares me to fucking death, to be honest. All of it scares me. (I guess that goes w/o saying when it comes to anxiety, right?)

I'm @ 700c for today and I feel miserably full. I haven't exactly eaten a lot (a mid-size bow of stewed beef & carrots in V8, 3 cups of coffee, and 8 hershey's hugs) but goddamn... I'm just all, "Blaaaaaaaaaah... Give me water... I feel like shit... I'm so FULL. I never want food again." I weighed this a.m. (as I always do; 2nd thing I do after pissing when I wake up) and while I'm up .8# (a whopping 12.8oz) I'm not fussed because I know it's me taking on the water I lost after those 4 L's. Still, means I'm down 2# since Saturday and I've officially broken my plateau. Only 8.4# to go to reach my March goal. I have 2 weeks. I'm actually going to make it and that makes me ecstatic.

I really need to go back and edit my tags for all of my entries and, given that I've stopped auto publication of my entries on Facebook, 86 the FO posts. I don't like being FO. That's just stupid. I need to organize!

So I bought brand new jeans and a cute (albeit very scene kid) shirt last month and I finally decided to wear both of them together. I've been wearing the jeans and while I'm happy that they are getting baggy, I'm almost annoyed that I shelled out $45 for pants I'll be too small for in 3 months. Well, the shirt is loose too. I mean really loose. The thing was spot-on perfect in how it fit when I got it (tight but not like, "OMFG I LOOK LIKE A SAUSAGE!" tight) and now it's going to be too big soon. Again, happy but this entire outfit was a good $80. I don't spend cash like that. Hell, I never really buy new clothes and when I do, it's from Wal-Mart and on sale, so now in 6 months I'll be out of a gangsterly awesome outfit and $80. I should be fucking jumping for joy but all I can think of is the cash. I shouldn't be spazzing because I know I'll wear it regardless.

Here's what the outfit looks like:


Of course, I'm shaped nothing like them (curvier, taller, less stocky, bigger tits) and I didn't do the thin patent belt. That shirt fits way different on me and is shorter because I'm so tall. Hmm...

I look like the quintessential lipstick scene lesbian but my gramma couldn't stop saying how good I looked. She even said she didn't know what was different but I was so cute.

Since I've been like retarded good with food and all, my mom has decided to eat whatever I eat. (Of course, she actually eats a normal amt of calories while I don't.) She's all like, "Ugh... This outfit just doesn't feel right!"And I'm all like, "Ma... you've lost weight. It's getting too big!" Given that she thinks she's like 2 sizes bigger than what she is, it's definitely too big.

Blahblahblah... Get together tonight! I'll shut up now. <3 to whoever reads my blathering.

Tags: pic, psych, update

Tags: pic

Tags: pic

I like to be left alone. Nothing makes me happier than being left to my own devices; just me, my cigs, the net, and some nice music. Maybe it's me at Waffle House or me in my room or me watching TV. I'm happy being in my own bubble. It's only when people interrupt my daily aloneness and routine that cause the bubble to burst and my temper to flare. I've tried to explain it to people over and over and no one gets it. I'm just being boring or lazy or stupid. Someone explain this to me... please.

So I have plans to move out of my house into my own place and soon. Of course, this started out with me semi-agreeing to share an apartment with my brother but I've come to realize that I'd much prefer living by myself. In all of that, I keep thinking how lovely it will be when I can go to work and come home to my own space. I keep thinking about how I can stock my fridge with nothing but good for me stuff - low fat, low cal, diet foods. I keep thinking that I'll be so bloody happy living fully in my bubble and starve if I want to or exercise at any time or god knows whatever. I don't have to answer to anyone.

Homeskillet used to be some serious thinspiration but ever since the whole myspace thing, it's just been harder to look at him in that light.

Blah blah blah. LJ can't contain my jumbled mind.
My belly is full.
My head hurts.
And my lips look like they've contracted herpes.

Tags: pic, psych