I finally got a picture of my wicked ass hair. And it looks so much better than it did a bit ago. I'm thinking of bleaching it out (since 95% of all of that is my natural color and my natural hair will turn white but I can never get it lighter than carrot with dye) and buying a bit of manic panic is some rad shade of lavender or pink. Mwahaha... maybe I'll go some monochromatic pink/purple rainbow...



I'm wondering if I'm stupid or just lazy about drinking water. Either way, I've been saying that I'm dehydrated for a while now. I've also been saying that I will start drinking water but it wasn't until today that I've begun to. I guess it's the pee that burned my urethra when expelled and looked like weak tea and the dry skin and chapped lips that did it for me. Also, there's the fact that I haven't really shit in 3 days (w/o a lax) nor the fact that I'd peed all day. AND I'll bet a million bucks that I'll lose 5# this week. My weight hasn't moved in forever and it's gotta be the lack of water. Ha... I'm suck a retard.

Those sweet & salty nut granola bars from Nature Valley are the devil if the devil tasted like your ultimate food in unlimited quantities while having the munchies. OMG. They are so yummy. Only 160 calories a bar (a bit up there) but the cashew kind (cashews are <3) and it's like having granola and cashews on top of a peanut butter cup made from cashew butter. I'm in lust.

Well, after reviewing my spreadsheet from last month, I sucked. Hard. I've lowered my safe limit to 900 (from 1000) and my after exercise limit/monthly average from 75% (750 calories) to 60% (560 calories). And so far, for the month (lmao), I've burned 52.49% of all of my calories. I like that... a lot.

If you've never play-wrestled and been flipped but missed the bed, slamming your forehead and shoulder into the floor, don't. You get nasty rug burn and the point of impact on your brow bone is all rug burned and swollen. It hurts to wag your eyebrows. Bah.

I need to start updating more.

Tags: hunger, pic

Easter is my favorite holiday! I love easter.
Haha... my fam doesn't do any celebrations so I've slept all day. But I bought myself a lamb and a panda beanie baby named "Wonton". They're both awesome.

I'm just over 40hrs into the 48hrs and I'm like, "Man... fuck this..."
And not because I'm hungry but because I really want coffee. (Sorry charlies... I don't do black coffee.)
I may just eat and not eat tomorrow.
Down 3# since yesterday.
Not half bad, really.
4.4# to my march goal.

So you've heard it here and I've made the conscious decision to break @ 40 hrs. I have not failed. I'm just reeeeeeally thirsty. God I need coffee...

PS: Sleeping pills instead of food? YEAH. It works but you sleep all the time.  

Tags: hunger, update, weight

( le binge )

I'm letting it be known that I will be fasting for the next 48hrs+. I need anyone who reads this to just give me some sort of support.

I feel like I'm failing at life here. Out of 21 days, I've gone over my safe limit 8 times. I mean... It's just... FUCK. How fucked up to you have to be to fuck yourself over like that? With no feeling? Sure, "Tomorrow, I will be just fucking lovely!" works for 3 seconds and then you fuck up again. This isn't me! I don't do this shit! I don't just continually say tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. That's not who I am. I HAVE to win. I have to be the victor, the top dog. I have to be fucking ELITE. I can't be a half-assed person and that's what I feel like. I feel so fake. Such a wannabe. I am so close to my March goal. 5.8#. SO FUCKING CLOSE. And 8:21 times I've screwed myself. I could be there already. I could have been there a week ago but I went for the epic fail. That's me. Epic Lose Bri. Why go at it half way when you can fuck yourself entirely?

I'm so fucking all over the place. I keep trying to tell myself that my mom saying my whatevers are panic attacks are her being cautious but I fear she's right. I feel like I'm always on constant edge. I don't want them but what if I have them? What if I'm having one now? What if I can't breathe or my heart starts beating funny again? I'm so scared of having them that I'm having them and I get more scared. I don't want fear and anxiety and that's all I feel. God, what is wrong with me?

If I was a crying person, I'm sure that choked up feeling that I'm pushing down right now would be a full on emo fest.

God, I need some release. I want to talk with someone but I just can't. A few years back I had some vision that I'm not really fucked up, that I'm not crazy. I'm normal and everything is okay. I've pushed out all of the emotions that made me bad. All I want right now is drugs and a psychiatrist and I'm so poor I can't get either. Welcome to Alabama, the poorest state in the union w/no "needy" medical assistance program. I'm sure this country would rather see me die. What am I good for? What was I ever good for?

 I don't know what's happening. I'm finally cracking. It's all gonna be over soon. Pull up a chair. I'm sure my demise will be quite entertaining.

Tags: emo, hunger