fuck you. love, nico

SUPER BUENO!

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:00:12 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

22:19 For the time being, this is my main mode of communication. That's one hell of a bitch. Fuck. #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

Facebook Update

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:29:42 GMT

A simple update using the notes feature. I'm sure I'd shoot myself without this iPhone. It's damn handy.

On the third, B and I were broken into. Save for a mess of stuff being overturned and all that goodness, no one was hurt. They did manage to steal three laptops tho. Mine didn't work and one was rather old but I feel bad for B as hers held all of her mega bible stuff from the past five years. It was like being mentally raped, our home and privacy violated as it was. It's sad that the only window without bars caused us this hardship.

Monday I will be twenty five!!! Taj India is still going down so be sure to check the events page. It'll start around 7pm and last until they close. It's ok if you can't make it. It's rather informal. I just wanted my ppl together.

Pray for my friend Diane. DHR and the cops got involved with her and her girlfriend over her girl's son, Jake, and no one knows anything concrete.

I'm returning to school in January! Anthropology degree ahoy. FinAid taken care of as of tomorrow. My loan will go toward my MacBook, books, and a sofa. The rest is bills and engagement rings. My excitement is sobered by the burglary but nonetheless, I'm still anxious.

B and I will Be together a year in February. Damn time flies.

Show me love ppls.

x, B

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

SUPER BUENO!

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:00:03 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

21:44 Me and B had a talk about our rut. I wonder if all the talking helps. #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

SUPER BUENO!

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:00:04 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

19:27 House broken into yesterday afternoon. 3 laptops stolen. #
12:15 The only thing I'm not sad abt losing is all of the pictures of B's ex that was on her laptop. Does that thought make a bad person? #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

SUPER BUENO!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:02:13 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

17:52 I'm about to be 25. WTF. Oy I'm old. I still feel like a kid or something. Eep. #
22:37 Should I be feeling weird abt B talking to her exwife? I know someone's feeling ice in the stomach. I don't know what Bri feels. Fuck it. #
13:24 So yeah. Masturbation. #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

SUPER BUENO!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:01:32 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

13:44 Losing 7# in 10 days and getting one sexy, banging haircut makes the world feel right and me feel like god. #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

Shine an Apple for My Desk

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:53:43 GMT

Just a bit of something before I try to sleep off the next three hours before work @ 2. I'm a lazy bitch, sure, but dammit if waking up @ 630 to take B to work after bed @ 1230 doesn't drain me. Gotta catch up somehow. When college starts in January, I'm so fucked.

Speaking of, I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! After 8 long motherfucking months, I'm finally getting back into school. I never thought I'd miss it but I do. My FinAid is in order so I'll be having one SWEET ASS check come late January. (~$2500) Oy... but now it seems as if I'm going to have to go to the Shelby Campus for school instead of the usual Jefferson one I'm used to. It's not so bad - SC is newer and almost kind of better than JC and it's closer but it's more like I'm being forced into it rather that it happening by my own choice. Either way...

I'm only doing part time and I've gotten it down as to what I'm taking:

ANT 200 --- Introduction to Anthropology - 30475 - MW 9:30am 10:45am - SCGSB 215
ENG 246 --- Creative Writing - 32377- MW 12:30pm 1:45pm - SCGSB 30

Seeing that makes me fucking JOYOUS. AND I'm finally taking a class for my major (Anthropology) and the creative writing class I wanted. Aside from the fact that I'm nearly out of electives and made to take only cores from now on, I think I can stick these ones out and make huge A's. My GPA will love me for it. Then when B finally gets in school, I can take Math 100 again and erase that stupid fucking F I got in Summer 08 and my GPA will be MAGIC. (One damn C tho. Makes me sad.)

I'm sad tho... B's going to have to go thru all types of hell trying to get her transcripts, ACT scores (if it turns out her home schooling program wasn't accredited), and then all the drama with her being Andrew/Andreas in school but now Rebecca. (It's a story I'll tell later.) I want her in school with me so badly!!!

I have to talk to Lisa about seeing what I have to do to get on the fast track of being an Associate Trainer. I'll be damned if I get stuck in this job like my last ones!

I think I have IBS. I prefer the term "spastic colon" because, honestly, my entire body is a spaz. Damn... I haven't used the word "spaz" since 8th grade.

More later perhaps. Or I'll just twitter retarded. DEGRASSI!!!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:02:42 GMT

13:43 I'm now @fuckyoulovenico. (I doubt that works.) #

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SUPER BUENO!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:01:29 GMT

Random bullshit I use an expensive piece of cellular technology for/tweets:

13:41 I have an iPhone. I have Twitterrific. Why aren't I at least updating LJ with daily bullshit? #
14:15 Why do I think that social tweet won't work? #

Brisus needs a life. Love,
LoudTwitter

I'm becoming a macfag and eating some stuff...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:04:04 GMT

I got my first ever handy dandy laptop back in March of 2007. It was handy and it was pretty damn dandy. I could take it anywhere and it was just kind of magic, having always had desktops yet always wanting to be mobile. I got, at the time, one sweet ass Gateway running with a gig of RAM (LOL worthy today) and 80GB HD and Vista and some other stuff - blah blah blah. I was in heaven until, for some reason, the blasted battery told me to fuck off. It died. But I am lucky and resourceful at times. I'd also gotten a laptop for my mother of the same variety. Well, soon *my* laptop's DC-jack pin thing said fuck you as well. It came off of the motherboard and wouldn't charge. I commandeered my mother's laptop (that she didn't use once yet had a cracked screen). Finally, in the beginning of 2009, having dropped the laptop and deadpixeling out the screen, I set myself up to get her screen fixed AND get my DC-jack fixed on my laptop.

The screen was $300. (The computer was only $600.) My motherboard had to be replaced for $350 (on an $850 machine). I got my mother's fixed and let mine stay "dead". "Later," I told myself.

Well, the same fate of my laptop both with the battery and the DC-jack befell my mother's laptop randomly. I haven't been able to use it for nearly two months, using my girlfriend's Toshiba that, bless it's heart, overheats very easily while the heatsink burns the FUCK out of my left knee.

Having gotten an iPhone in mid-August of this year (right after my computer died), I thought to get a Mac. I saw one of my LJ ppl going on about the bitchmade-ness that's been going on with her Mac and it kind of scared me. But, I've come to the conclusion that, in the long run, having gone thru two PC's and two laptops since 2000, I think it might be time for my normally tech-savvy self to give up Microsoft and go with Apple. If I think about it, the average lifespan for a Windows machine is ~5 years. I *should* have been good for at least 20 years or some shit but fuck that... I've not even gotten 10. (My last PC lasted for just around 3 years, 1 and a bit in proper working order.) When I get my next student loan in January, I plan to march into the Apple store at The Summit and procure a spiffy little MacBook and pray like hell that it doesn't tell me to fuck off in a couple of years.

I *will* be buying an extended warranty, if I can. (Tho the price tag on all things Apple - including the extended warranty - is RIDONKULOUS. Oh, the price of a monopoly!)

In other news, AT&T is threatening to cut us off from the internet. Nevermind the fact that our service in The Hood is GOD AWFUL and I'm usually calling them up @ all hours just to see if I can get my DSL back online - fuck that. They're getting pissy about me having to split my payments up because, you know, I run out of money sometimes. Yes, yes, I know. I should ALWAYS pay my bill ON TIME and IN FULL but shit... This is the one time I'm SO not overly anxious about missing a bill payment. Seriously - if I could (and I canNOT), I'd give up this bastard AT&T crap and find something better. The only quarter redeeming factor about it all is the modem - it's automatically a WiFi "hot spot". I do dig not being tethered to something.

You know - I REALLY HATE LIVING IN THE GHETTO. They hire the worst people to mow the complex's grass. I'm waiting for all of my still real glass windows to break. FUCK.

I'm having some sort of mini-war with myself over all the ED crap I've been dealing with over the years. It's not even a matter of reflection or what have you. I'm warring over the demon that says, "Fuck it - STARVE, BINGE, PURGE!!! LOSE TONS OF WEIGHT NOOOOOOW!!!" and the now stronger, smarter side that says, "Bri - a diet is OKAY. You just gotta be sensible, logical, near-enlightened about it. OHM." Of course, there's the other demon telling me, "Fuck it - you're fat and will always be fat. Why bother? Just continue being apathetic. FEED ME!!! GIVE ME 3k CALORIES IN COOKIES NOOOOOOW!!!" Who in their right fucking mind has two demons on their shoulders? And some yogi being all Hindu-tastic about being "enlightened"? I swear that's a devil in angels clothing because that's a slippery slope to either side. I'm trying to be healthier now. I just wish I wasn't so non-commital about it.

I will NEVER enjoy the "rearranging" my body does from time to time, the one that builds up an illusion that I'm losing tons of weight when the numbers are telling me I haven't done shit while my diet is so piss poor, it needs gov't assistance. "OMG Bri, you've lost sooooo much weight! WOW!!!" Umm, no I haven't. Really. I'm still a loser who's huge and scarfing down cookies from time to time while drinking full sugar soda. FML. Oh, and in case you didn't hear, I have some weirdo hormone shit going down where I make too many boy hormones or some shit. Guess what? Androgens can make your body fat move or something just like estrogen gives transwomen a more womanly shape.

I've gone manic with Windows Calendar. It may not be a spreadsheet but I've definitely "calendar-ized" the fuck out of my life. I should really make a budget in Excel so that B and I can start saving a little something each month. I mean FUCK - I want a couch!!!

I should upload 50 icons now. And you're welcome. I know I've been ass raping you ppl's F-page so I'e decided to use cuts from now on. Cuts back on the hxc scrolling and I don't have to stop being one verbose son of a bitch. <3

I talk so all the time. So...

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:08:25 GMT

I gotta say it: I'm sorry for writing epic poems about bullshit. I really have nothing good to say any more.

Thinking back to this time last year, I can say I have no idea what the fuck I was doing. Reading the LJ entry closest to today, I was getting ready to pack my shit and head to Montgomery to visit GK for the first time. Oh, that was such a mindfuck. To think I was about to meet Bex in the physical realm/IRL for the first time in 10/11 days this time last year. Well fuck...

This evening has been one where I've just wanted to go to Wal-Mart and end up shit faced on high priced cough medicine. Nearly 9 months and I'm still bargaining with myself for the fuck of it. Who the hell knows? It doesn't makes sense to me. I swear the only thing keeping me from finding a way is knowing that B would leave me until I was able to sober up again. The idea that such a thing - her leaving me - is possible for her for whatever reason guts me. I know she says she couldn't take it and would have to wait for me to "get better" but shit... FUCK. BAH - I won't fucking do it anyway. I'll be sparkly, sober ~*Bri*~ because slipping up for whatever reason would only make Becca go away. Shit, I could cry about that right now.

I know that I've only been @ Panera for going on 7 months now but I really want to start expediting the processes that would allow me to become an associate trainer and get a raise. If I was making 25-50c more an hour, sure - cut me back to 4 days. Cool. As it is, I'm either gonna be working my balls off or just feeling completely disenchanted with work all together. Brianna will be leaving at the end of the month (heifer is getting married/turning 18!) and it's just kind of mind fucking. I don't really have people to chill with as it is and now the only real ally I have and the one person I can bitch about shit is leaving. FML.

Girl FINALLY got transferred to a better store and will fully begin there on Wednesday with Monday night/this morning being her last night to EVER have to drive to 119 and deal with Hickville fuckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I'm happy she's not going to have to worry about her ex-in-laws or all of those fuckers who call her "he" but I'm happier that the money coming into the house will balance itself out some. For the past 5 months, I've been the one who's been paying all the bills and such so its nice to finally have a moment to breathe, plan, and recalculate the budget. Perhaps by Xmas we can actually own a sofa and something to house our huge mound of clothes in. I like the idea of not having to piss myself every first of the month wondering how in the HELL we're planning on paying the rent and car note. ($535 of a $537 check.) Maybe our credit will actually start improving. Maybe I can start to put her notion of us moving to Toronto into action and shit will get rolling.

This just in... Chick has an interview tomorrow. I will fill people in later. Something about life insurrance and being a manager? Sure!

Oy - I'll write more shit when I think of it.

I'll be 25 in 20 days. FML.

I wish I knew what screw was giving me elctric shock therapy.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:59:03 GMT

It's 121am.
I'm awake.
I have to drive B to work @ 615.
I have work @ 2.
I'm going to be fucked.
Insomnia is my bitch.

I randomly chose to look at my first "real" LJ on here and I saw where Mouse came into [true] being. The sad, skittish little thing; the one who isn't so little and hates me for it. All of the talk of food and calories that filled that journal... I see Mahree in it too but Mouse is definitely a front runner. I don't think Mahree finally "took hold" until a bit later, once I stopped fighting whatever it was I was trying to hard to fight. Poor girl - she's so hell bent on destruction. I wish I could help them both in the ways that I'm able to help Honey or how Plat helps me.

God, I fear fragmenting further. I know Mahree is the one that aids in such productions. It's definitely confusing at times, these things. Mahree has aided in the building of "Nico". She is the one who likes to run the show whenever Nico Clarke exists. At times, she is so different, so foreign that I'm forced to wonder if it's really Mahree at all. Because, you see, Mahree is only a child. I know she's smart. I know she's got a fire to her that I don't think even I have but she's young. How can she be Nico? That doesn't seem plausible.

I fear sounding like some daft multiplicity player more than anything. Having asknowledged how fucked up I am, the voices have become quieter while the memory lapses have become stranger. They aren't huge. I don't blink out at home and wake up at work. It's not some bullshit Sybil model of how things are supposed to be presented. It wasn't until very recently that I even had names for it all but I've had my voices for a while. Some have been here longer than others.

It's strange, really, because Bex is diagnosed as having Dissociative Identity Disorder. Her cousin and his fiance both are diagnosed as such. My experiences, my stories are nothing like theirs. I'm not saying I have DID and if push came down to war, I could never identify as such because they live a Lifetime movie of the week. I'm just someone who has people in her head that sometimes makes it hard for me to remember stuff. It really doesn't help that I'm forever faced with the idea that everything is comeplete fiction, that I've made everything up. These people aren't real. I've just given arbitrary names to ghosts. What happens in my life - none of it is real. Everything around me is an illusion.

People talk about dissociation, about slipping in and out, but I forever feel like I am a step back from myself. Sometimes the feeling is stronger and everything around me feels like a hazy dream and I'm talking but it's not really me talking but someone else. I used to depersonlize all through high school but that changed when I found out about the magic that was within drugs. I was high rather than "not myself" so who knows what happened then?

I think being so aware of what's happening in my head has caused me to shut down in some ways. If I space out, it's not just spacing out. I'm constantly being bombarded with the thought that oh god, I'm doing it again. Being Honey or Mahree or Plat isn't now how it was. I make the mental note that I'm being "different" so that, for whatever reason, I'll remember it [even if I don't]. "Going away" for a while is no longer an option and I feel raw and stripped clean of the one thing I could rely on for comfort.

I received my free copy of this lame little book I found on facebook called "STOP PRAYING" about a week ago. I read it. I did th fill in the blank stuff it asked of me. The whole thing was geared toward 30-something career folk with a 9-5, house, spouse, kids, and money. I get what it was saying but what it said I just had to do, I know won't ever fit into my lifestyle at the moment - a broke 24 year old part time college student who can't sleep, find time to read or exercise 30 minutes a day, or have the money to buy milk let alone fruits and vegetables. However, I am taking on this 21 day idea and trying to find away to give myself little boxes to fill. Drinking water instead of soda. Journaling at least on bi-weekly basis. Work on my house and finally get things unpacked (after 7 months) and things cleaned. Take time out after to work to meditate and reflect on where I'm at in life and where I want to be. Make plans for the future and figure out how to make them happen. Little things. I should at least be making baby steps right now.

Physically, right now, I'm hurting. It's another round of "what's going on with Bri on the inside?". My lower abdomen in hurting very badly. Having a cold-like thing and needing to cough, it hurts even worse. I'm waiting to find out my bits are slowly decaying. Dramatic, yes, but this has been what's up for the past seven years. I'm very much over it.

Now, almost 2 hours later, I'm going to try for the third time to get some sleep. I have to be at least somewhat rested for a Friday @ Panera if only because I know I have Saturday and Sunday off and I won't be wanting to do a damn thing at work. Being dead on my feet will only make things worse.

Because LJ Takes Forever

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:53:58 GMT

Pictures of Girl & Me - on wordpress because LJ likes to take 6 years to uplaod ONE phone let alone SIX.

Things are sort of okay at the moment. Maybe. I'll update hardcore tonight.

Love!!!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Because LJ Takes Forever

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 15:53:58 GMT

Pictures of Girl & Me - on wordpress because LJ likes to take 6 years to uplaod ONE phone let alone SIX.

Things are sort of okay at the moment. Maybe. I'll update hardcore tonight.

Love!!!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

The Blackness in My Chest

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:51:18 GMT

I hate Norwood and its 'bottoms'. I hate not having grounding wires in my house or a steady phone line/Internet connection. I hate that mine and B's combined 70+ hours a week still doesn't guarantee that we'll be able to pay our bills let alone on time. I hate that more knowing it fucks up our credit when we pay nearly $350 on a financed car to get 'good' credit. I hate the fact that I can't stop being so anxious. I hate that my work schedule still has me working 11-close on Sundays. I hate that Alabama will never recognize same sex unions let alone 'real' marriage. I hate how Toronto is almost a silly dream. I hate that we didn't get to do more 'together' shit in Atlanta. I hate having a cycle when I know I'm unable to have children, knowing it's a waste of nine days. I hate my body, my looks, and never looking quite right. I hate that the bad shit taints the good when the good is fucking amazing. I hate that I'm not in school right now. I hate knowing work is so important, school will probably take a backseat. I hate that -my- laptop is pretty much dead. I hate being 6'2. I hate my hair and want to chop it off but will hate myself if I do so. I hate that I can't get mental help. I hate that when I do, my past substance abuse will take precedence over the -real- shit that needs to be worked on. I hate that my dad says he still loves me even tho I'm with a girl and not that he's happy for me. I hate this feeling of being stuck. I hate that I still want to hurt myself. I hate that my birthday will probably suck more than it should but I know that's how my milestone birthdays go. I hate that I've spent half an hour writing this. I hate that I can't just 'be happy'. I hape my genes. I hate my past and how badly it's fucked me up. I hate being a fuck up and being fucked up. I hate falling short. I hate my hate. I hate that I can't provide B and me with a good life. I hate that I feel almost entitled to some sort of break. I hate being a few dollars over the poverty line. I hate knowing the unwed, unworking for fuck all mother of two who stays next door is getting $900 a month in food stamps when we would never be able to get $50. I hate how much that makes me rage. I hate the government not looking out for everyone but a very select few. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I'm ashamed to embrace those that are in my head. I hate that I wish I could get fucked up beyond seeing. I hate being almost 25 and on par with a 16 year old. I hate having to rely on my mother still. I hate that I had to grow up. And most of all, I hate this feeling of impending doom that I can't settle let alone get rid of.

When's it -my- turn?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Something like that...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 12:36:32 GMT

(written to Becca)

Ah, the time between sleep and farm town...

It's a strange thought, really, but it's something I've thought of before and about plenty of people. I remember being around 12 or 13 and asking my mother if we'd have been "cool" had she known a person like me when she was younger. She said probably not. She said she would have felt sorry for me in one way or another. It's a strange thing to hear from your mother.

I wish I could have known you an age ago but you've said before tha I probably would have "scared" you. I wonder how many people think that about me now, about the Bri they didn't get a chance to know @ 10, 12, 16, or 20. Those that knew me then - those that liked me - and aren't in my life now... I wonder if they would find this Bri any different.

My life is nothing but huge arcs of time, epochs if you will, and all are heavily cemented into my brain, thoughts, etc. These page turnings have indeed left a lasting impresion on me, who I am at any give moment a mirroring of the past.

I don't know what I go on about. I still wish I'd known you then.

Triumphant Squirrel

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 05:38:02 GMT

Another update or sorts but this one is slightly different somewhat maybe. Who knows?

From September 24-27, B and I were in Atlanta taking part in this year’s “Southern Comfort Conference”. It was strange and nerve wracking and just something I can say I experienced if nothing else. The whole thing is all about transgendered people/transsexuals but, if I am to be honest, it’s kind of a freak show. I’m down with people of the trans persuasion – do you – but so much of this shit just felt like a total sham and not so much the empowering thing it should have been. Most of the people were trans-women who, for lack of a better way of explaining things, totally seem to miss the point of being a woman. It’s not all wigs and sparkly cute clothes and flouncing about in 5” heals at 8am. The trans-men are the ones I wish I could have hung out with. They were so badass just hanging around and being chill and doing them while the trans-women were too busy talking about their neo-vaginas to just enjoy the company of 700 people they don’t know.

We went because B was to meet a friend of hers. B, however, IS NOT transsexual or transgendered but intersex (as is her friend). The friend was cool but was too damn serious and I felt like everything that was discussed was being repeated for 3 days. There was a small pocket of potential intersex people but from what I could gather, the two prominent ones were lying to the point it was ridiculous. One claims to have AIS like B but makes fantastic claims (like having both testicle and ovaries) so she seems to be a poser. Another goes on and on about her wandering clitoris and never gives any sort of name to her condition so she seems to be lying as well. Both are post-op trans women in the strictest of senses.

It’s… meh. It was kind of lame. I spent most of our mini-vacation being dead silent because I really had nothing to contribute to these gender discussions seeing as, as best as could be surmised, I’m a straight up “girl-girl” and all’s normal in my world. As far as being in the company of both B and her friend, I spent a good 5% of the time being uncomfortable as the friend has serious views about weight and the like and I would shut down completely while she went on and on. (It never helped that I was completely left out all of these conversations even though I was always present.) B and I did manage to have some really good talks when it was just us, though, so the four days weren’t a complete wash.

While lost in central Georgia, we talked about my head space and how I’m constantly in a battle over things being real/”made up” or not and how I’m constantly telling myself that things are in fact fictitious and it’s all a figment of my imagination. She says she knows that feeling, which both her and her cousin began as such during their quasi-initial fragmentation.

On the way back to Birmingham, we talked a lot about my feelings about all the shit that I feel about her past and all. My memory is sketchy about it, honestly, but I do remember a lot of it clicking finally for her. I remember telling her that it does feel like some things that come along with being engaged or starting a new life has been taken away from me. She truly tried to understand me and I think it’s finally sunk in just how heavy all of this shit is for me. At least the car rides were productive.

I was catching up with my F-List a few minutes ago and it struck me just how unconventional our living situation is. I can only dream of the day when I can wake up and have a cup of coffee, things are neat and organized, and our home actually looks like a home. Right now, it looks like we just toss EVERYTHING on the floor and nothing goes anywhere. I hate the fact that this neighborhood breeds roaches regardless or practices. I hate that our home never had the chance to be the brilliant space I hoped it might have been.

FUCK MY LIFE – I’M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH BECCA’S MOM. .. AND SHE JUST CALLED B “SHE”. FUCK!!!

Oy… more later. I’m thinking of pseudo-vlogging on day about stupid shit. LOL

I make myself the Victorian game.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 04:58:16 GMT

And so she sat to write, as that was all ladies were to do between riding sidesaddle and taking tea.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:43:10 GMT

Got a call from the psych ppl I was to meet tomorrow. Because I pay $62 a month for 'insurance' that covers absolutely nothing, not even teeth cleaning let alone psychiatric help, I get no help financially.

I don't exist once again.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

You sad thing...

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:34:57 GMT

That need for destruction has crept back into me. For all of the work I've done to try and be healthier mentally, I am forced to wonder if I'll forever be looking around corners and in the cracks of things for a way to be completely destroyed. I want to be hit. I want to be talked to like the dirty, disgusting, damaged whore that I can be. I want to be pinned but fighting, my submission painfully drawn from me. I want my ribs to hurt in the morning. I want my wrists black and blue. I want to be punished. I want to be looked upon with apathetic contempt, shown love when I'm being good little girl. I want to cry. I want to be scared. I don't want to know her face for a minute. I want to be used. I want to be your pet in the sickest of ways. Tear me down... Please...

We went for Mediterranean food around 11 last night. I ate salad and mostly just the vegetables from the rice and lamb dish. Carrot apple juice and some lentil soup. Other things during the day followed - 3 mini cookies (Panera), tuna salad, bits and bites from the fruit bowl, 1" slice of whole grain baguette, 6-shot skim latte... Stuff. Food stuffs. ~6 hours of work. I think I'm most upset with a blank day in my food log on my phone.

I was extremely uncomfortable at the dinner. We met a friend of hers from her "past life" and it was very unsettling. The food part and me just not enjoying eating in front of him. The discussion about her PL. Caused me later that evening to have a slight moment thinking that, 2 years ago, it was her that was cuddled into girl's chest and perhaps, we are touched the same way, kissed the same, shown the same sort of love in the same sort of way. Smoked a cigarette and allowed myself to be consumed by the sleep I'd not had in two days. I don't demonise my girl. I don't want it to have that appearance. She's the best thing to have ever happened to me and I would fight hell to keep her with me. I'm just the one who's fucked up. I'm the one who can't handle things. I'm the one who has the issues - not her. She's wonderful. I'm the bad that's creeping into my head.

I want to feel and look like death. Why does my self-hatred scream at me now?

I feel bad that this is how I have "returned" to livejournal. I don't want to fill people's pages with trite things about being a total mess.

I have so much to do today - straighten out the AT&T bill, donate plasma on an empty stomach, starbucks with my mom and my just released from prison brother, wash clothes and try to start packing for our trip on Thursday, prepare for work on Wednesday, pray about B's missing paychecks, pay bills, run around the city and make love to a girl I make out to be some monster, try to have a discussion thru clouded vision.

Autosaved draft at 3:33:33 AM. That's kind of epic.

Lord save me...

I like to make my phone work for me.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 03:29:55 GMT

That's me as of last night. I look kinda ridiculous.

My girl there_she_went bought me some paid time. I feel to pimp out myself. We'll rock this tonight.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Please, copulate with my existence.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 06:51:08 GMT

I am in dire need of getting a journal online again. I no longer write here 99.99% of the time. Twitter/FB status updates are fucking LAME and can't contain my mind. I no longer "blog" on FB as my girlfriend is my friend there and myspace sucks balls. I started a pseudo-blog on blogspot but something about that place annoys the fuck out of me. (Lack of community?)

If I'm not mistaken, LJ has done away with ad-free basic accounts (those bitches). Maybe I'll just pay for a paid acct? FUCK IF I KNOW.

I need to be back online and blogging again. I need that sense of online community awesomeness that I once had when I was knee-deep in OWED stuff and was writing everyday.

1. Where can one find a great [ad-free] blogging community?
2. Will my long ago readers still stop by and say hey?
3. Do I even have ppl to say hey to me?

I just want to write.
And read.
And respond.
And be responded to.
And not worry that B is all up in my shit, getting false ideas and getting worried.
Where can I go?

If my ol' school LJ friends are still around, I still read you and would be very happy to have some sort of ideas. I'm totally in need to get my shit out there into the blogospheric cosmos once again. I miss it.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 10:32:45 GMT

QWERTY keyboard aside, the Samsung Magnet is a horrible phone. My cracky-gangster A737 (which now belongs to my wifey) was so much better. Tomorrow, however, I'll be trading in this piece of had shit that I've had for 3 days for a Samsung Propel - the QWERTY version of the 737. WOOT. I'll miss the banging orange color but fuck this shit for a phone. Plus I'm going whie and metallic red. BADFUCKINGASS.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 06:42:30 GMT

I am really disappointed with what I found in multiplicity . It all feels/sounds like a group of scifi kids got together and started rattling off about their split personalities (or whatever they prefer to call them). I'm not trying to sound elitist because lord knows I only recently began to publicly acknowledge my "voices" as something other than that (I now say "things" - PROGRESS!) but it's all so... strange. And to a total outsider to this type of thing, it actully seems slightly silly in some way. I feel horrible for saying that, I do, but I can't help it. (Plat would like for everyone to know that she thinks it's total bullshit retardation.) IDK - I'm undiagnosed but I know that I'm fragmented. But, so is my girlfriend (fiance!) and she's diagnosed MPD/DID. My experience is nothing like hers but my experience isn't relating to what I see on all these multiplicity/plurality sites.

Oy... IDK!

Speaking of fiance, I think we've decided on a February 8th wedding. (Year undecided.) It was her idea and it was so fucking cute/romantic. She said it was because of our day-long connecting on the Panera couch, how I first really "acted" like I was really into her, and then me surprising her with our first kiss. I'm thinking of that day now and how it somehow morphed into 10 hours of use talking, lounging, being cool, and then somehow us switching up to me laying in her arms and then her in mine. Man... that was 6 months ago. I feel like I've been with her for much longer. Oh, but our 1 year first conversation anniversary is coming up. Lots of one year things coming up soon.

I think we may be thinking of mathing amethyst engagement rings but I'm kind of leaning toward white topaz for a faux diamond look. And ACH! I have my eye on this wedding dress for the both of us. Well, not matching but similar accent colors. (Purplish-grey seems fucking awesome.) but my dress will be something like $500 and her $400 and we don't even have enough to pay for our bills. Eep... we'll make it work.

I think I'm off to go look at wedding shit and be a total girl. OL

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 08:29:06 GMT

Tim Rozon needs

a mother fucking twitter.

Shit would be SO CASH.