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34 | cmnt
fuck you. love, nico
14 February 2021 @ 03:07 am
09 July 2009 @ 10:03 am
09 July 2009 @ 02:02 am
I might actually kick a puppy for a scale. I know the thought of me buying one scares the fuck out of my girl but I'm dying here. I'm doing good - I just need to know if it's enough.
06 July 2009 @ 12:34 pm
Thursday, August 9th, 2001
LadyRuthless
"6:00 am - TEST"
"7:15 am - How Come..."
I never actually wrote anything other than that first entry. It occurred to me that I had my psychotic break 2 months later. Hmm...
08 June 2009 @ 03:02 am
- 18:18 I've officially deleted everything in my txt inbox. FINALLY. #
03 June 2009 @ 05:46 am
That was written by my girlfriend. Never has she said anything – let alone write something – as profound as the proceeding. She’s intersexed. As best as I am able to comprehend it (as I’m definitely ignorant to all of this and gladly admit it), she was reared as a boy because doctors felt it would be best to make her as such but is biologically a girl. She’s been on HRT since December 2008, has had her name changed legally since July 2008, and been trying to live as a woman since ~2007. This really just spoke volumes to me and I wanted to share.
There is a set of contradictions facing those who would try to combine the various interests of those within the intersex, transsexual, transgendered and gay communities.
Yes, there are many areas of overlap. There are gay trans people, there are intersex people who are also trans, there are cross dressers who are gay etc. But these do not imply natural alliances.
As one who is intersexed but also has a history of involvement in the trans community, let me talk about my own experience.
I was born physically intersexed and was medically assigned as male. If you like, I transitioned at an early age, without my consent. Like many intersexed people, neither I nor (supposedly) my parents were given any information regarding my condition or treatment. 'Trust us, we're doctors, this is all for the best, you wouldn't understand the big words we use.'
I was one of those who slipped through the net of follow-up medical care and only uncovered the truth in later life, slowly and painfully (still discovering, in fact), after a lifetime of confusion and conflict and undiagnosed health difficulties as I refused live any longer without a full understanding of my body to a sub-atomic level, if possible.
I had never heard of 'intersexed conditions', had never heard of 'Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome', and I had no idea of the fact that I was living with potentially serious endocrine malfunctions or that the whole secrecy surrounding my condition left my health in a very exposed and dangerous position.
I had been assigned as male - but I was not, I was intersexed. But that is not an option in our society. There are only two possible classifications of sex, 'male' or 'female', and the doctors in those days, pre-Money, before it became routine to surgically modify people like me to 'female', decided they could make 'a man' of me. Nobody ever asked me what I was.
After many, many years of social ineptitude and blundering through life, I reached the point where I could no longer continue trying to live in the very restrictive social role assigned to me through medical intervention and I rebelled. There were only two possible options open and it was patently obvious that I did not fit the box marked 'male', so therefore I must belong in the other box, that marked 'female'.
I could not understand why I was the way I was and I had no language with which to express what was inside me. So I began to search and finally came across an explanation. I stumbled across the trans community and realised that transition of gender roles was a possibility.
I then began to seek medical treatment in order to transition and the recovery of the truth of my history began. As I learned more about my self, a fundamental difference between people like me and those in transition who were 'trans' began to surface.
I was transitioning out of a role assigned to me with the help of the US military medical establishment's lies, subterfuge, and surgery; most trans people seemed to be similarly transitioning out of one gender, but they were also transitioning into their own personal concept of what _KIND_ of oppositely gendered person they wanted to be.
Equally valid but with different objectives.
The majority of trans people I know have the desire for confirmation of gender in one of the two categories accepted by society, which is why they transition, i.e., to express a definite gender identity, male or female, different from the one usually indicated by their current phenotype. The major topics of discussion within the trans support spaces are concerned with such confirmation and, in my opinion, it is entirely a legitimate objective and one which I have worked hard to support.
However, given the choice of 'male', 'female', 'intersex', I would unhesitatingly select 'intersex' - but society does not give me that option so I select 'female'. I do so with some soul-felt reservations, gritting my teeth at a society which will not stop placing those two sexed box categories in front of me for ever form I must fill in. Insurance? Loan? Police report? Magazine subscription? All of the forms one comes across for one's own name, address, etc. ALWAYS has those two boxes, I can only click one, and I feel like an imposter or a poser to tick either one of them.
I do not know many trans people who would experience such a conflict; there may well be, but I have never heard any express it. Most trans people I know identify themselves absolutely comfortably within one or other of the specified classes - they have my full blessing in so doing. My life would have been a lot less problematic had I been able to do so as well.
Yes, I regard myself as a woman - but I am an intersexed woman ... there is a multi-faceted complexity to my sense of self which the two labels imposed by society cannot embrace. My desire was not to transition into female - it was to transition out of male. Full-stop. If I'm forced to be more exact about my 'LGBTQIA' placement (if one must pigeonhole me), I would define myself as, 'an intersexed young woman who has been transitioning like a transsexual, but who is not one'.
To use experiences such as mine as evidence of commonality between 'intersex' and 'trans' is erroneous. My experience is not typical of intersex people - but neither is it typical of trans people. My conflict is not an internal dichotomy between gender identity and physiology - it is between the integrity of my being and the consequences of medical intervention. The conflict is an artificially created one. Had I been left alone and raised as I was at birth, there would have been no conflict and my identity would have been secure.
Because the question of gender identity is such a fundamental element in trans experience, many trans people have difficulty in understanding that gender identity is usually not quite such a big deal to most intersexed people. It is only a minority who feel a need to transition, usually those who have been surgically or hormonally coerced into a role to which they have serious difficulty conforming. For example, while there are those who are also trans, most people with XXY chromosomes ('Klinefelter's Syndrome') usually quite happily identify as men, most people with Turner's Syndrome or complete AIS usually identify quite happily as women and so on. The need to transition is nothing like a common experience for all intersex people. But it is the defining experience for all trans people.
This fact causes fundamentally different views between trans and intersex people on many issues.
One example - when it comes to views of medical reassignment of 'gender', the interest is very different. In general, trans people seek medical intervention to assist them in physically becoming who they really are while (again, in general) those intersex people affected by medical reassignment seek the abandoning of medical intervention because it makes us physically other than who we really are.
Another example - for most trans people, the question of birth certificate correction is a very serious and basic human rights issue; for most intersex people it is a complete non-issue.
It is the frequent overlooking of this basic existential difference between the experiences of trans people and intersex people which gives rise to the caution and suspicion amongst intersex people which greet attempts by members of the trans community to broker the idea of commonality of interests between the two communities.
It is not my purpose here to discuss the 'trans is a subset of intersex' argument. The debate on this has a long way to go before it is resolved and there is still no definitive aetiology of transsexualism.
For those intersex people who find themselves with a need to transition there are many areas of experience which are shared with trans people and which can create areas of co-operation, provided both are aware that there also many areas where our experiences are different and that they make construction of a common agenda problematic.
The solution to that is to listen.
Experience suggests that intersex people already know pretty much where the line needs to be drawn, trans people less so. So it is important for trans people who wish to co-operate in areas of common interest with intersex people, where such exist, to learn as much as they can about us, about the medical priorities which are sometimes essential for life-preservation, about the very distinct natures of the various intersex conditions and therefore about the special interests of each group, about the instinctive resistance to outside influence and about our overriding need for each of us to speak for ourselves in our own voices.
We are people whose very lives have been affected by outside interference and by others, especially the medical community, presuming to speak on our behalf. Therefore, in general, we are distrustful of those who wrongly presume that their experiences are similar to ours. We tend to view suggestions of alliances built on this basis as invasive and attempting to appropriate our experiences for agendas other than our own. And we are particularly suspicious of those who imagine that our various histories can be reduced to a matter of gender identity.
I would suggest that there are actually fewer areas of common interest than most trans people suppose there are. This is not to say that such do not exist but they are usually those areas involving intersex people who are also in transition. The clear distinction should be acknowledged and respected.
I myself acknowledge my Intersex biology, but identify as being a variation of a male - or more than a male.
The existence of Intersexed people has been concealed for many decades because they threaten the man-made laws of nature, which dictate that there are two sexes: male and female. Yet, nature does not manifest in comfortable, finite boxes. Rather it exists as infinite spectrums of variation. But to our modern scientific mind this variation threatens to unleash chaos. And what drives science? The desire to control nature.
Eventually, the medical profession could no longer pretend that biological sex was confined to the polar binaries of male and female, but rather some infants presented characteristics of both recognised sexes.
Yet, instead of simply accepting that anatomical sex could exist as a spectrum of possibilities, the Intersex variations were medicalised: thus requiring surgery and/or hormone reassignment therapies in order to ‘cure’ such ‘aberrations’ and ‘disorders’. In other words, the medical profession believed that they could play god and determine which sex and gender a child would be reassigned to, and raised as.
They did this, not for the benefit of the ‘afflicted’ individual, but rather to make the medical community, parents, and society in general, feel better. One of the most compelling arguments made by surgeons and therapists in order to justify their therapies was that, without intervention, these ‘sad’ individuals would be subjected to severe persecution, or that their lives would never amount to much. More recently however, researchers have discovered that Intersexed individuals who, for whatever reason were spared infant or adolescent reassignment, actually learned to cope well with their Intersex state, while many, who were reassigned, continue to suffer terrible traumas as a consequence of the reassignment therapies.
It’s no wonder therefore that few people know that we exist. The messages ingrained into Intersex children and adults was, and still is, 'don’t tell your friends; don’t speak of your surgeries or hormone therapy; don’t rock the boat; surgery and/or hormone therapy is necessary or else your life will be worthless; you will be rejected by society; you will be a freak…' So for decades Intersexed people have lived in silence, hiding their realities from the world and being programmed into believing that their lives were invalid.
Yet people can often tell that an Intersexed person is somehow different, even without knowing the source of that difference. Instead of viewing an Intersexed person with compassion however, the Intersex state often generates fear in people, which manifests itself in many ways. As a child, adolescent , and adult I was frequently bullied or ridiculed by my peers simply because I was different. Gay, lesbian, christian, pagan, latino, white american, southern, northern, male, female, straight - all mocked me as an oddity, someone strange who could not possibly be what I was made out to be.
I'm tired of all of that, and know I'll never fully escape it living as a woman either.
There is a set of contradictions facing those who would try to combine the various interests of those within the intersex, transsexual, transgendered and gay communities.
Yes, there are many areas of overlap. There are gay trans people, there are intersex people who are also trans, there are cross dressers who are gay etc. But these do not imply natural alliances.
As one who is intersexed but also has a history of involvement in the trans community, let me talk about my own experience.
I was born physically intersexed and was medically assigned as male. If you like, I transitioned at an early age, without my consent. Like many intersexed people, neither I nor (supposedly) my parents were given any information regarding my condition or treatment. 'Trust us, we're doctors, this is all for the best, you wouldn't understand the big words we use.'
I was one of those who slipped through the net of follow-up medical care and only uncovered the truth in later life, slowly and painfully (still discovering, in fact), after a lifetime of confusion and conflict and undiagnosed health difficulties as I refused live any longer without a full understanding of my body to a sub-atomic level, if possible.
I had never heard of 'intersexed conditions', had never heard of 'Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome', and I had no idea of the fact that I was living with potentially serious endocrine malfunctions or that the whole secrecy surrounding my condition left my health in a very exposed and dangerous position.
I had been assigned as male - but I was not, I was intersexed. But that is not an option in our society. There are only two possible classifications of sex, 'male' or 'female', and the doctors in those days, pre-Money, before it became routine to surgically modify people like me to 'female', decided they could make 'a man' of me. Nobody ever asked me what I was.
After many, many years of social ineptitude and blundering through life, I reached the point where I could no longer continue trying to live in the very restrictive social role assigned to me through medical intervention and I rebelled. There were only two possible options open and it was patently obvious that I did not fit the box marked 'male', so therefore I must belong in the other box, that marked 'female'.
I could not understand why I was the way I was and I had no language with which to express what was inside me. So I began to search and finally came across an explanation. I stumbled across the trans community and realised that transition of gender roles was a possibility.
I then began to seek medical treatment in order to transition and the recovery of the truth of my history began. As I learned more about my self, a fundamental difference between people like me and those in transition who were 'trans' began to surface.
I was transitioning out of a role assigned to me with the help of the US military medical establishment's lies, subterfuge, and surgery; most trans people seemed to be similarly transitioning out of one gender, but they were also transitioning into their own personal concept of what _KIND_ of oppositely gendered person they wanted to be.
Equally valid but with different objectives.
The majority of trans people I know have the desire for confirmation of gender in one of the two categories accepted by society, which is why they transition, i.e., to express a definite gender identity, male or female, different from the one usually indicated by their current phenotype. The major topics of discussion within the trans support spaces are concerned with such confirmation and, in my opinion, it is entirely a legitimate objective and one which I have worked hard to support.
However, given the choice of 'male', 'female', 'intersex', I would unhesitatingly select 'intersex' - but society does not give me that option so I select 'female'. I do so with some soul-felt reservations, gritting my teeth at a society which will not stop placing those two sexed box categories in front of me for ever form I must fill in. Insurance? Loan? Police report? Magazine subscription? All of the forms one comes across for one's own name, address, etc. ALWAYS has those two boxes, I can only click one, and I feel like an imposter or a poser to tick either one of them.
I do not know many trans people who would experience such a conflict; there may well be, but I have never heard any express it. Most trans people I know identify themselves absolutely comfortably within one or other of the specified classes - they have my full blessing in so doing. My life would have been a lot less problematic had I been able to do so as well.
Yes, I regard myself as a woman - but I am an intersexed woman ... there is a multi-faceted complexity to my sense of self which the two labels imposed by society cannot embrace. My desire was not to transition into female - it was to transition out of male. Full-stop. If I'm forced to be more exact about my 'LGBTQIA' placement (if one must pigeonhole me), I would define myself as, 'an intersexed young woman who has been transitioning like a transsexual, but who is not one'.
To use experiences such as mine as evidence of commonality between 'intersex' and 'trans' is erroneous. My experience is not typical of intersex people - but neither is it typical of trans people. My conflict is not an internal dichotomy between gender identity and physiology - it is between the integrity of my being and the consequences of medical intervention. The conflict is an artificially created one. Had I been left alone and raised as I was at birth, there would have been no conflict and my identity would have been secure.
Because the question of gender identity is such a fundamental element in trans experience, many trans people have difficulty in understanding that gender identity is usually not quite such a big deal to most intersexed people. It is only a minority who feel a need to transition, usually those who have been surgically or hormonally coerced into a role to which they have serious difficulty conforming. For example, while there are those who are also trans, most people with XXY chromosomes ('Klinefelter's Syndrome') usually quite happily identify as men, most people with Turner's Syndrome or complete AIS usually identify quite happily as women and so on. The need to transition is nothing like a common experience for all intersex people. But it is the defining experience for all trans people.
This fact causes fundamentally different views between trans and intersex people on many issues.
One example - when it comes to views of medical reassignment of 'gender', the interest is very different. In general, trans people seek medical intervention to assist them in physically becoming who they really are while (again, in general) those intersex people affected by medical reassignment seek the abandoning of medical intervention because it makes us physically other than who we really are.
Another example - for most trans people, the question of birth certificate correction is a very serious and basic human rights issue; for most intersex people it is a complete non-issue.
It is the frequent overlooking of this basic existential difference between the experiences of trans people and intersex people which gives rise to the caution and suspicion amongst intersex people which greet attempts by members of the trans community to broker the idea of commonality of interests between the two communities.
It is not my purpose here to discuss the 'trans is a subset of intersex' argument. The debate on this has a long way to go before it is resolved and there is still no definitive aetiology of transsexualism.
For those intersex people who find themselves with a need to transition there are many areas of experience which are shared with trans people and which can create areas of co-operation, provided both are aware that there also many areas where our experiences are different and that they make construction of a common agenda problematic.
The solution to that is to listen.
Experience suggests that intersex people already know pretty much where the line needs to be drawn, trans people less so. So it is important for trans people who wish to co-operate in areas of common interest with intersex people, where such exist, to learn as much as they can about us, about the medical priorities which are sometimes essential for life-preservation, about the very distinct natures of the various intersex conditions and therefore about the special interests of each group, about the instinctive resistance to outside influence and about our overriding need for each of us to speak for ourselves in our own voices.
We are people whose very lives have been affected by outside interference and by others, especially the medical community, presuming to speak on our behalf. Therefore, in general, we are distrustful of those who wrongly presume that their experiences are similar to ours. We tend to view suggestions of alliances built on this basis as invasive and attempting to appropriate our experiences for agendas other than our own. And we are particularly suspicious of those who imagine that our various histories can be reduced to a matter of gender identity.
I would suggest that there are actually fewer areas of common interest than most trans people suppose there are. This is not to say that such do not exist but they are usually those areas involving intersex people who are also in transition. The clear distinction should be acknowledged and respected.
I myself acknowledge my Intersex biology, but identify as being a variation of a male - or more than a male.
The existence of Intersexed people has been concealed for many decades because they threaten the man-made laws of nature, which dictate that there are two sexes: male and female. Yet, nature does not manifest in comfortable, finite boxes. Rather it exists as infinite spectrums of variation. But to our modern scientific mind this variation threatens to unleash chaos. And what drives science? The desire to control nature.
Eventually, the medical profession could no longer pretend that biological sex was confined to the polar binaries of male and female, but rather some infants presented characteristics of both recognised sexes.
Yet, instead of simply accepting that anatomical sex could exist as a spectrum of possibilities, the Intersex variations were medicalised: thus requiring surgery and/or hormone reassignment therapies in order to ‘cure’ such ‘aberrations’ and ‘disorders’. In other words, the medical profession believed that they could play god and determine which sex and gender a child would be reassigned to, and raised as.
They did this, not for the benefit of the ‘afflicted’ individual, but rather to make the medical community, parents, and society in general, feel better. One of the most compelling arguments made by surgeons and therapists in order to justify their therapies was that, without intervention, these ‘sad’ individuals would be subjected to severe persecution, or that their lives would never amount to much. More recently however, researchers have discovered that Intersexed individuals who, for whatever reason were spared infant or adolescent reassignment, actually learned to cope well with their Intersex state, while many, who were reassigned, continue to suffer terrible traumas as a consequence of the reassignment therapies.
It’s no wonder therefore that few people know that we exist. The messages ingrained into Intersex children and adults was, and still is, 'don’t tell your friends; don’t speak of your surgeries or hormone therapy; don’t rock the boat; surgery and/or hormone therapy is necessary or else your life will be worthless; you will be rejected by society; you will be a freak…' So for decades Intersexed people have lived in silence, hiding their realities from the world and being programmed into believing that their lives were invalid.
Yet people can often tell that an Intersexed person is somehow different, even without knowing the source of that difference. Instead of viewing an Intersexed person with compassion however, the Intersex state often generates fear in people, which manifests itself in many ways. As a child, adolescent , and adult I was frequently bullied or ridiculed by my peers simply because I was different. Gay, lesbian, christian, pagan, latino, white american, southern, northern, male, female, straight - all mocked me as an oddity, someone strange who could not possibly be what I was made out to be.
I'm tired of all of that, and know I'll never fully escape it living as a woman either.
12 February 2009 @ 09:02 pm
12 February 2009 @ 05:31 pm
If this ever becomes contested, let it be known that I always try my best with people. I let myself fall only as far as they let me. Every last fucking one of them over the past 5 or so years over a thousand livejournals - my feelings were so sadly, ridiculously, pathetically valid. I can't stress how valid they were. I don't sail thru life looking for casual friendships or, unless I'm feeling particularly self-destructive, casual sex partners.
Ben, Yohannes, Victor, GK, RM, and the others I've pined for and forgotten: I found in them something that called out to me. Each and every time I didn't listen and was hurt. Ben and his need for coke and Andrea and sex. Yohannes and his people and not being fussed. Victor and his years, the pain that came when he saw me the first time and never said another word. GK and his beautiful fucking lies - "Oh, I'll love and care for you". RM and his apple tinged kisses and ability to make me laugh. All of them... Valid.
Yes, I can say that now - only a very short time having passed since GK and RM - I know myself better. GK made me ashamed to be a girl. Girls were evil, dramatic whores and I'm a girl so it only stands to reason that I am what he thinks. I remember snapping on him, telling him that YES, I'm a girl. I get emotional and I have moments girls have. All of them made me feel ashamed of my body. I was too tall or too fat or I just wasn't pretty enough for them. I have pretty nice tits and my ass isn't too bad, but you're not like ____. They wear dresses and have killer legs and tiny hands and can fulfill fantasies. I was ashamed of how I thought. I was ashamed that I was given chemical imbalances and couldn't be "normal". I was ashamed of myself. Nevermind that I'm one of the most caring, loving, non-judgemental, down for whatever girl that they may ever meet. I wasn't good enough.
Didn't I try and overlook GK's emotional rollercoasters and him pushing everything away?
Didn't I overlook the fact that Victor didn't want to divorce his wife for the sake of his kid?
Didn't I overlook Ben's dependance on drugs?
Didn't I overlook Yohanne's obliviousness?
I overlooked it because it didn't matter to me. I saw the person beneath circumstance. I saw the good they had. I comforted them when they hurt. I listened to them when they needed to be heard. I stood up for them. I would have fought for them. They didn't give a damn. I was used. I was easy. I was the hand that could help them over the hurdle to get to someone else.
And you know what? I'm not that fucking bad, dammit. I'm a good person. Was it so bad to want to be with someone? Was it really that fucking terrible that I wouldn't have minded being theirs? My god... I don't want to be possessed anymore. I want 50/50. I don't need to be validated.
If I have ever cared for someone, I care. There is no criteria a person has to meet. When you are in, you're in. That's it. And you know - I'm like that with all of my friends and lovers. You get a piece of my heart. I let myself be hurt. I know I did. I thought that pain made me be alive. Pain was killing me.
I deserve to be happy and no more will I allow myself to settle for the bullshit in the hopes that they will feed me just a little more of the gloriousness they once did. For once, I can see what it's like to be liked for being me - plain ol' "just Bri" me. I'm smarter today than I was such a short time ago. I can see those who have love for me and care just as I have love and care for them.
That person is dead. The coffeexwhore, __razorsundone, __eyelined, briism, menthe_no9 --- they are done. I will be fucking happy for once in my sad little life. I deserve it.
Ben, Yohannes, Victor, GK, RM, and the others I've pined for and forgotten: I found in them something that called out to me. Each and every time I didn't listen and was hurt. Ben and his need for coke and Andrea and sex. Yohannes and his people and not being fussed. Victor and his years, the pain that came when he saw me the first time and never said another word. GK and his beautiful fucking lies - "Oh, I'll love and care for you". RM and his apple tinged kisses and ability to make me laugh. All of them... Valid.
Yes, I can say that now - only a very short time having passed since GK and RM - I know myself better. GK made me ashamed to be a girl. Girls were evil, dramatic whores and I'm a girl so it only stands to reason that I am what he thinks. I remember snapping on him, telling him that YES, I'm a girl. I get emotional and I have moments girls have. All of them made me feel ashamed of my body. I was too tall or too fat or I just wasn't pretty enough for them. I have pretty nice tits and my ass isn't too bad, but you're not like ____. They wear dresses and have killer legs and tiny hands and can fulfill fantasies. I was ashamed of how I thought. I was ashamed that I was given chemical imbalances and couldn't be "normal". I was ashamed of myself. Nevermind that I'm one of the most caring, loving, non-judgemental, down for whatever girl that they may ever meet. I wasn't good enough.
Didn't I try and overlook GK's emotional rollercoasters and him pushing everything away?
Didn't I overlook the fact that Victor didn't want to divorce his wife for the sake of his kid?
Didn't I overlook Ben's dependance on drugs?
Didn't I overlook Yohanne's obliviousness?
I overlooked it because it didn't matter to me. I saw the person beneath circumstance. I saw the good they had. I comforted them when they hurt. I listened to them when they needed to be heard. I stood up for them. I would have fought for them. They didn't give a damn. I was used. I was easy. I was the hand that could help them over the hurdle to get to someone else.
And you know what? I'm not that fucking bad, dammit. I'm a good person. Was it so bad to want to be with someone? Was it really that fucking terrible that I wouldn't have minded being theirs? My god... I don't want to be possessed anymore. I want 50/50. I don't need to be validated.
If I have ever cared for someone, I care. There is no criteria a person has to meet. When you are in, you're in. That's it. And you know - I'm like that with all of my friends and lovers. You get a piece of my heart. I let myself be hurt. I know I did. I thought that pain made me be alive. Pain was killing me.
I deserve to be happy and no more will I allow myself to settle for the bullshit in the hopes that they will feed me just a little more of the gloriousness they once did. For once, I can see what it's like to be liked for being me - plain ol' "just Bri" me. I'm smarter today than I was such a short time ago. I can see those who have love for me and care just as I have love and care for them.
That person is dead. The coffeexwhore, __razorsundone, __eyelined, briism, menthe_no9 --- they are done. I will be fucking happy for once in my sad little life. I deserve it.
10 February 2009 @ 05:23 pm
You can "follow me" over @ nicono9 if you'd like. It's okay if you don't. I'll still use this one for communities and such.
10 February 2009 @ 04:59 am
I can't exactly sum up my headspace but I know that I need to change names and move on to journals with a little less funneling. I'll probably pick up the old "writing" journal and write in it. Either way, I'll probably make a note of it.
Mind, mind, mind... Where are you? What are you feeling right now? Thinking?
I'm thinking that her scent was something unexplainable and now it's on my skin. I'm thinking about this "run around" with my mother about "libraries" and study dates when it's only an excuse for these trysts. I know it's unbelievable. I don't care. I'm thinking that she makes me happy. I'm thinking I want to openly sob for her. I'm feeling alive, scared, and nervous. Wait, who knows what and wait... What? I don't know where I'm at but I'm cold and she was warm. I feel so god damned aware. I'm feeling like I want to attach myself and thinking that I'm being obsessive. I'm thinking that she touched me in ways I've only dreamed of being touched. I feel so grateful for it not being really sexual. I'm feeling the need to be her saviour. I want to rescue her and dare anyone to fuck with her. I feel strong. I know now that GK isn't worth the drama because I almost know that attraction doesn't have to be fatal.
I'll write more later... I'm off to dream... Plan... whatever.
Mind, mind, mind... Where are you? What are you feeling right now? Thinking?
I'm thinking that her scent was something unexplainable and now it's on my skin. I'm thinking about this "run around" with my mother about "libraries" and study dates when it's only an excuse for these trysts. I know it's unbelievable. I don't care. I'm thinking that she makes me happy. I'm thinking I want to openly sob for her. I'm feeling alive, scared, and nervous. Wait, who knows what and wait... What? I don't know where I'm at but I'm cold and she was warm. I feel so god damned aware. I'm feeling like I want to attach myself and thinking that I'm being obsessive. I'm thinking that she touched me in ways I've only dreamed of being touched. I feel so grateful for it not being really sexual. I'm feeling the need to be her saviour. I want to rescue her and dare anyone to fuck with her. I feel strong. I know now that GK isn't worth the drama because I almost know that attraction doesn't have to be fatal.
I'll write more later... I'm off to dream... Plan... whatever.